Through the Lens
by Mizer Manakins
Summary: MarkRoger prerent, preapril, premaureen. Mark has fallen in love, but he's not sure if there's any way he'll be able to break it to his best friend... NEW part three posted.
1. Part 1

**Through The Lens**

**Part One**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Manakins says:** Mark/Roger stuff… my first attempt at a Rent fic, so please don't KILL me. And if you do like it, feel free to read my other oneshots and stories they're all boyxboy or girlxgirl, but nothing dirty - people die, people crossdress, people somehow end up happy, ect. I'm usually a Taito gal, but I've been in a slump lately, so I suppose I should try and stretch my boundaries – especially since I'm more of a Mark/Angel, Angel/Collins, Mark/Collins fan rather than Mark/Roger, but I can try it.

This is pre-Rent and pre-April and pre-Maureen, k?

**Disclaimer:** We all know Rent is the wonderful creation of Jonathan Larson, not me, k?

**Dedication:** Ceshyyyy! Happy birthday!

* * *

I could tell him. I really could. If only I weren't such a chicken, I would have already told him – I'd have told him how I've felt about him, especially now… He'd finally know, and I wouldn't be so afraid of what he could possibly say… I just want him to know…

It gets pretty bad though… Sometimes I'm not sure if I can handle my own silence at times… We are supposed to be best friends and all, but that's part of the problem – what do I do if he turns me down and there's no one else left? I won't have a best friend to confide in, no matter how much I need to. I can't bear the thought of losing our friendship, and I can't risk it.

I think the only way I've been getting though times lately has been through the lens of my new camera – a Hanukkah present from my parents. Somehow it lets me see things in a different perspective… I see Roger, and I see him smile, and while through my own eyes, it makes me happy but still in turn breaks my heart, through the lens, it's a contentment – I can still see him smiling even when he's gone.

Everyone seems to be getting AIDS lately, and I'm scared… I wonder if it could happen to another one of us – it was terrible when we all found out Collins was HIV positive, and its just seeming so surreal now – none of us want to lose our dearest friends, yet it's happening all around this city.

But through my lens, I just see the people – I don't have to deal with their troubles unless I want to, and I don't have to worry – it's all just an image of the film now.

Time passes by, and we've all learned to make the most of what we have – and the time we have – although most of that goes to getting drunk and partying like there's no tomorrow – of course, I avoid the liquor for the most part and simply observe – I observe how they all react to one another, and I can see… I can see Roger – beautiful – but I'm not sure I could ever summon the courage to actually tell him that.

But what if I could – I just love everything about him… and he's been such a great friend for so long… but that's part of my problem – perhaps he only thinks I'm just his best friend – isn't that the age-old dilemma? For ages, the human race has pondered, what is the boundary between 'friend' and 'more than a friend', and how do we tell the difference? I just feel a difference… Collins and I are great friends and all, but Roger… there's just something that makes the whole thing feel different… that something that makes my heart skip a beat or two and makes me stammer and babble like an idiot when I'm caught off guard… Something about the way he plays his guitar and makes me smile….

Damn, I sound like a teenage girl… and Roger… he's not into guys… Of course, I know he doesn't have a problem with people being gay and all, but I'm not sure if he's too fond of the thought that a guy might be crushing on him – that's a completely different stage right there – but what would he do if he knew it was me? And what if… What if he WASN'T okay with it and things go terribly wrong?

I suppose I could try and dull the pain and carry on life as a filmmaker trying to escape the realities of life, but is that really a life I want?

Now I have to ask myself – even if it means bringing pain upon myself, would I rather feel alive?

* * *

**Manakins says some more:** I will be writing more on this one… But if you like please do review – I just ADORE reviews!

But lets just hope for Mark, his best friend doesn't turn out to be like mine did… dumped me after twelve days and then denied it

I really have no idea how dear Mark is going to end up – I'm going with the flow!

Mizer Manakins


	2. Part 2

**Through the Lens**

**Part Two**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Manakins says:** Love them to death! Read and review! Hope I finish this one!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own lovely lovely Rent, okay? Mr. Larson created it, not me, okay?

* * *

"So Mark, met any ladies lately?"

I hate these conversations.

"Uh, no… not really…"

"That's too bad – wait – when they talk to you, you DO answer, right?"

I always feel so awkward… This subject just reminds me more and more that I'm in love with a man. Sometimes, I don't want to feel like that simply because it makes me feel like even more of an outcast, if that's even possible.  
"Yes, I answer them… I just really not interested right now."

"Right now, man? So now you're swinging the other way?"

"Both, actually." I mumbled without thinking, then silently cursed at myself for being so stupid as to say that out loud. Praying he didn't notice that, I looked up from my cereal bowl as discreetly as possible.

Dammit. Now he's staring at me.  
"Dude, really?" He laughed… I know it might seem funny to him, but now I'm terrified he might know… I glanced over the tops of my glasses and shrugged it off.

"It's nothing, okay?"

"No – I mean, it's no big deal, but you didn't tell me WHY? C'mon. Spill."

I knew I always hated these conversations, but I couldn't believe this one got me where it did. "Well… there's this guy…"

"Yeah, and? Do I know him?"

"Uh… yeah. I didn't want him to know, but he found out anyway, so now I'm screwed."

"Screwed _literally?_"

Why does he just have to be like this at a time like THIS!

"No! Not literally! The exact opposite's more like it, Rog."

"You're sure talkative – I thought you were more of a low profile kinda guy when it came to what you and yourself do behind closed doors." He laughed jokingly, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah, whatever – think what you will, but don't blame me when you're all alone because no girl ever wants to come near you again."

"Oh, like that's ever going to happen – I'm a MUSICIAN. Chicks totally dig that – even if you can't play worth a shit. Just the word 'band' can get you laid – remember that if you ever get in a slump."

I know I can't be mad at him… He just doesn't see it. And I suppose I'm happier this way.

"Whatever you say, of great god of sex!"

I know he noticed the sarcasm, but I never really understood why he said what he said.

"Maybe you'll find out someday."

Yeah, that stopped me for a second. I mean, why WOULDN'T it? Was that a joke or was he SERIOUS – I mean, of course it's just a joke, but that look on his face…. For a second, it just didn't seem like a joke.

He spent the rest of breakfast trying to guess who my crush was. I knew he'd never figure it out, and he was just rambling off names off the top his head –not even people we knew. I figured he'd stop soon when he finally said something that caught my attention.

"So then is it Collins?"

Why would he think that?… I wanted to ask that, but then realized that would make it more suspicious than this already was – if I were to ask him why he asked about Collins, he'd insist I was being defensive and decide it was him.

"Well, you're not ANSWERING! All the others was an immediate 'no' and now you're all so quiet. What up?… Is it him?"

"No, it's not… no… Roger, just drop it already."

"Hey man, I just wanna know who the lucky guy is!"

"Lucky?"

He couldn't have SERIOUSLY just said 'lucky'. That's just… absurd.

"Well, of COURSE! Who wouldn't want to know?"

"Wouldn't want to know what?"

Collins came in through the door, making quite an entrance as usual.

"Who Marky's crush is!"

He was joking. Because now he's making fun of me. Typical Roger behaviour. And I love that about him…

"Mark's got a crush? Who is she?"

Dammit. I'd better just get my camera and leave while I still have a chance to escape. And I just heard Roger – giggle, I guess you would call it.

"I don't know his name. Marky won't tell me."

And naturally, my head just had to drop out of pure embarrassment. Get your camera, Mark. Just get it and leave.

"Look, I don't get you two. Any time either one of YOU like someone, it's all 'Oh, so maybe it'll work out? You two gonna hook up sometime?' but ANY time I think I like someone, you both think the whole thing is some sort of joke?"

I'd rather not film this. Although I'm tempted. Let's just get this over with and leave.

"Hey hey hey, Mark… you know we don't mean it like that."

Good old Collins, trying to fix things as usual.

"Yeah, Mark… I just.. uh… never thought you to be the type. It's all cool."

Roger, Roger, Roger… if he didn't figure that, he'd never in a million years guess who it really was.

"Yeah. Well, I have some filming to do, so I'd better be going now."

I guess I'm a little upset, but they just don't GET IT. I don't want to deal with this right now, and I get sick of them teasing me like I can't get a date…. It's not that I can't, it's more that I prefer not to… That's just another sad chapter of my life, of course.

"Eh, where're you going to film?" Collins inquired, probably trying to get us off the subject. Fine by me.

"I figured I'd just… try and interview with that waiter at the Life."

He chuckled and Roger wandered off, probably to get his guitar. Somewhere inside, I just wished one day he might write a song about me, but quickly washed away that thought – it's futile.

Camera rolling.

I leave and notice Collins kind of… following me? Once we're outside, I decide it's best to find out what he wants.

"Any particular REASON you're hovering?"

He rubbed the back of his head, almost embarrassed.

"I was just, uh… wondering, man."

"Wondering?"

"Is it him?"

I sighed and held my camera to my eye, looking out of the street, watching cars drive by. I could tell he was still waiting for an answer. But the question was should I tell him? I could remove the contraption from my outlook and come to the harsh reality that he's pretty damn sharp, or I could ignore it.

Who am I kidding? There's no ignoring Collins. So I lower the camera and proceed to wind the crank. He still stands there, waiting.

"You mean Roger?"

"No, I mean the Great Pumpkin. Yes, Roger."

"What does it matter? It's not like he'll ever like me like that anyway."

"I don't know, man. Did he tell you that?"

"Well, no… but why the hell would he have to turn to me? He's got hoardes of girls to choose from…"

I start the camera rolling again.

"I dunno… maybe 'cause it's about love rather than choice."

Is he suggesting that I… or that he… no. That's all part of the insane reality I want no part of. If I involve myself in it, I'll just end up heartbroken.

I'll just watch it all pan out on the screen before me.

* * *

**Manakins says some more:** Another chapter! Yes, I will be continuing this one. monsieur enchantment and happy together are both comatose… maybe they'll wake up someday School just ended and now I've got more time to come up with more fanfics… sort of. Hopefully I'll be able to continue typing as much as I want to, since a lot of my ideas on paper never make it to the computer…

Ja

Mizer Manakins


	3. Part 3

**Through the Lens**

**Part Three**

**By Mizer Manakins**

**Manakins says:** So we're at part three! Yay! Now what is going to happen?… I really have no idea. Seriously. So I guess we'll all just be finding out together, huh?... No, I don't like planning - when I plan out a fic, I never write it.

**Disclaimer:** Jonathan Larson created Rent, not me, m'kay?

* * *

I waited a minute, pretending to film the passerbys, and just WAITED for Collins to leave. He seemed to have no intent on doing so.

"Look, do you want to TALK, or do you have some other reason to be standing out here."

"Hey hey, man, it's a nice day!"

Real convincing. The sky is a dull lifeless gray and there is no way that could be a plus of living in New York City.

"Uh huh. I'm not stupid."

"Okay fine… I won't try and make you say anything, but I'm here to listen. I'm just… kinda surprised at you, Mark. Never really thought you to be the type interested in our very own live-in musician."

"Well, neither did I."

"Ah… Just one of those things that 'happen' that way, eh?"

"Something like that."

Do I really want to confide in Collins? Yeah, sure he could give me some of his crackpot advice, but could I stand those moments of absolute reality? Unprotected from the world surrounding us, would I stand a chance armed with nothing but my pathetic feelings?

Go for it.

"I don't really know… how it came to be this way…"

" And I don't think any of us really do. Everyone just seems to be here and somehow falls in love…"

"Love… what is that anyway?"

"Hm?.. I dunno, man… just another one of those feelings, I guess.."

"Have you ever felt it? If its just another feeling, does that mean just about everyone has felt it at one point in life or another?"

"I guess it depends on what you really define it to be… I myself, have no idea, but I'm single and lonely and looking for somebody – maybe he's out there somewhere waiting for me to find him, or maybe I missed my chance and he's dead."

"But that's just the harsh realities of life, right?"

There I go again. Back into that shell that hides me from the world. I guess it must have been enough right there, but as I shut off from the outside influences, my insides started churning and my thoughts were all focused on what I had just heard, forcing my mind to wonder exactly what it was I wanted.

Am I in love, or is love just a myth?

If it's real, is it possible for me to truly love Roger like I think I do? I feel this way because I really do care about him as more than a friend and not because I'm confused about what my feelings mean, right? So many questions, and I have yet to begin answering any of them.

As I go on, I realize my thoughts are becoming more and more irrational – like asking myself if Roger could love me. He doesn't have any reason to even think about me as anything more than a best friend. He doesn't need someone like me. And even if I were that lucky, would he want anyone like me? I know far too many of my almost incurable faults, and my insecurities would simply go against everything that he is. He'd never be able to live like that, would he? Any kind of life with me as his partner just is absolutely impossible to imagine, and is useless to do so, seeing as it will never happen.

I'm hopeless, and I know… one day..

"One day he's going to find some girl and maybe get serious about her. Then I'll have nowhere to go and nothing to do about it. But if he'll be happy, I shouldn't want to change that, right?"

"I don't know, Mark… I just don't know."

The sky hasn't cleared up and I'm feeling as if the gloom is setting down on us more than ever.

"Wanna head over to the Life?"

"You got any money?"

"Ah, we'll see when we get there."

I can't help but laugh. For as bad as I'm feeling right now, somehow Collins always just has that way of making everything seem like it'll be okay, and I like that about him. His optimism versus my general neutrality brightens the world, even if just by a little. If anything, it helps me see the real beauty of things – Roger doesn't know, so I don't have to worry about any kind of awkwardness between us. I also made a small step of progress today by coming out, even if I didn't really intend on it. He's also single, and there's always that chance that he could be interested. I should stay more positive, I know, but getting my hopes up has just gotten me in trouble before.

If this is as high as my spirits are going to be today, I'm okay with that. If anything happens, I've always got my camera.

As we walked down the street, the café came into view and we stopped at the corner, waiting for the cars to slow. Collins shoved his hands in his pockets and glanced over at me. I guess my expression didn't seem too cheery.

"Just remember, you can't give up now. The way I see it, you've got a chance."

I brighten up a bit more and lowered my camera, turning the crank once again. I've no reason to doubt him, so maybe I really do have a chance.

I have a chance.

* * *

**Manakins says some more:** Ahhhh, I love writing this! So I hope you love reading it! It would have been posted earlier than this, but I was blocked until Thursday, which was the day I was leaving for the weekend, but I posted ASAP. Sorry if these chapters seem a bit short… Everything I've written lately has been shorter than what I used to do, but I guess the point still gets across somehow… Reviews are greatly appreciated!

Ja

Mizer Manakins


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